Matt Baume dot com: Etiquette guru offers tips for Pride celebrations

Gay etiquette expert Steven Petrow has an important message for San Francisco Pride celebrants.

"Share your water and sunscreen," he urged, "don't blow a whistle in someone's ear," and, if you're marching alongside a float, "don't hold up the parade to cruise someone on the sidelines, unless you're a very talented homosexual and can march and flirt at the same time."

In the 15 years since he wrote The Essential Book of Gay Manners and Etiquette, Petrow has served as the LGBT community's foremost authority on thoughtful behavior, guiding countless gays through prickly situations with grace and tact in books, magazine articles, and online at http://GayAndLesbianManners.com.

But don't mistake manners for stuffiness.

"One of my goals is not to be a finger-wagging etiquette maven," he told the Bay Area Reporter in a recent interview. "I don't believe in using the word 'should.'"

He went on, "I think one of the reasons that I became interested in manners was that I would wind up in situations where I didn't know what to do. ... I found that knowing what to do in an unfamiliar situation was freeing to me, whether it was something as silly as dealing with a bunch of forks at a place-setting, or understanding the community norm about who pays on the first date. It takes down the temperature to know what a prevailing norm is. I think when people understand the true meaning of manners and etiquette, it's not restricting or homogenizing but provides a baseline of information and lets you focus on the more important things in the world."

Regarding who does pay for the first date, Petrow, in his new book, Complete Gay & Lesbian Manners: LGBT Advice for Dating, Sex, Coming Out, Marriage & All the Rest, due out next spring from Workman, said that although it is not uniformly accepted, the basic rule for any couple on a first date is, "You invite, you pay."

He advises that people say - or listen - to some of these code phrases: "Please be my guest." "It will be my treat." "I'd like to invite you to join me..."

"Of course, it's smart to be prepared to pay your way no matter what you think the situation is - just as it's good manners to offer to pay for yourself or contribute toward the tip, even when you know you're the guest," he writes.

Sometimes, of course, it's not exactly clear, Petrow writes. In those cases, you can consider picking up the tab, or offering to split the bill.

"If you're fighting over the tab, it's a good thing," he writes. "One of you should concede and say, 'I hope you'll let me take you out the next time."

But one last note, Petrow writes in his book, "Even if your date pays for you, you're under no obligation to ask him or her out again to settle the score, nor to become intimate."

Thoughtful behavior can often put everyone at ease. It's an important lesson to keep in mind during this weekend's Pride festivities, when the LGBT community enjoys the spotlight.

"When we're out at Pride, we're all ambassadors," said Petrow, explaining that the festival is more than an opportunity to have fun; it's also a chance for the community to put its best foot forward. "And sometimes, your best foot forward is your motorcycle."

Petrow, 52, now a resident of Chapel Hill, North Carolina, has in the past marched in San Francisco's Pride Parade as a volunteer with the San Francisco AIDS Foundation. Prior to moving back east four years ago, he lived in the Bay Area since 1980.

"Particularly during the AIDS epidemic, it was a much more political parade than it has become," he said, "although there's still a good infusion of politics in it these days. ... There was a real sense of mission, that of funding and recognition of HIV. Now the mission is Pride in general, and the marriage equality issue."

Over the years, Pride has evolved along with the changing times. But from a social perspective, the celebration still serves the same purpose.

"It's really a ritual of our community," said Petrow, a former National Lesbian and Gay Journalists Association president. "This is really the one common festival or cultural event that we share as LGBT people."

And although San Francisco Pride has grown to be a firmly entrenched tradition - and this year marks its 40th anniversary - the exact rules of other gay cultural rites are still unwritten. For example, Petrow said, there's no clear consensus on how to celebrate a child's adoption, or whether a gay couple should buy engagement rings.

In terms of etiquette, LGBT social norms are still very much in flux; but shared experiences such as Pride enable the community to create new traditions.

When all come together, Petrow said, it's important for the community to reflect on our history while looking to the future.

Also, he added, "be sure to wear layers, because you know how the weather is."